The Fully Mental Alchemist
by Pishivee
Summary: The toned down, superficial story of the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric.


This idea came to me when I was typing out Fullmetal and I accidentally put a N before the t, thus, full-mental.

Edward: how humiliating.

Pishivee: I'll let you do the Disclaimer so you can still have _some_ credit to your name.

Edward: sure, whatever. Stupid Pishivee…

**Disclaimer:** Pishivee doesn't own me, my brother, or even that manipulating colonel. It doesn't even own FMA, Hiromu Arakawa-san does. PLEASE RESCUE ME HONORED CREATOR!

Pishivee: mwahahahaha….hey…It? What's that supposed to mean?

Edward: just get on with your damn story so I we can get this over with.

* * *

**THE FULLY MENTAL ALCHEMIST**

Ed: Hi guys, I'm Ed, and I just became a state alchemist. Also, I braid my hair, take showers in my boxers, and I am capable of spewing out dirty words at a moment's notice!

Al: Hi! I'm Al, and I'm a big suit of armor that looks like a robot. I scare little kids.

Ed: okay, so one day our mom got sick, and then she died. I was like Al! let's bring her back!

Younger Al: and I was like Ed! How are we gonna do that, human transmutation?

Younger Ed: No you stupid fool! We're gonna burn the house down and tear off our limbs until she comes to say "YOU NAUGHTY BOYS! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO NOT BURN DOWN THE HOUSE AND DISMEMBER EACH OTHER!"

Younger Al: But she's never said that.

Younger Ed: She's never failed to punish us either.

Younger Al: oh yeah.

Ed: but she never came, so Al sold his soul to the devil, but that still didn't make her come back.

Al: I like kitties.

Ed: I call Al A-1 sometimes.

Mustang: okay you stupid kids come in here.

Ed & Al: we hate you.

Mustang: I hate you too.

Hawkeye: just like a father and his children.

Ed: I hate my dad!

Al: so anyway, we want to talk about the philosopher's stone

Mustang: when you find it you have to give it to me before you use it. I warn you you will have to go on pointless adventures that will make you suffer and become disloyal to the military, but also you will learn the meaning of life, how many greedy people live in the world, how many people live to kill, and oh yeah, you will probably come close to death more than once, but that's because Ed's a hotheaded kid who doesn't listen to his smarter brother, Al.

Ed: huh? What was that?

Mustang: sorry, I only go through speeches once.

Ed: okay we're leaving.

Al: Bye-bye everyone! It was so pleasant to chat with you. I enjoyed the tea and cookies!

Ed: what tea? What cookies?

Hawkeye: you ate them all.

Ed: sometimes I just start eating. It's kind of like breathing.

LATER LATER LATER LATER LATER LATER

Al: I'm soooooooooooooo tired of trains, brother.

Ed: well I don't have boundless energy like you have.

Al: look at that group of people standing there in black with those dragon-eating-their-own-tails tattoos. I wonder what their doing. Ed?

Ed: I feel like we will die at their hands one day. Yo homies, whassup?

Gluttony: OH, CAN I EAT THEM?

Lust: is that how you greet people you've just met?

Envy: what a loser.

Greed: hi little short kid.

And Greed died that day.

Ed: I'M NOT SHORT! NO ONE CALL ME MICROSCOPIC OR ANT OR DUST MITE OR SMALL OR LITTLE OR BLAH OR !

Al: whoops, he blew up again. Wanna help me collect his pieces? Oh they all left. Ed, see what a bad first impression you make? Now they'll want to kill us.

Later.

Ed: Al! we never stop those killers! All the little girls die, and I hate it. WAHHHHH!

Al: Brother, I have no emotional feelings right now, so you're kinda annoying me.

Ed: WAHHHH! sob sob OH AL!

Al: okay Ed, shut up. Shut up I said. STOP IT! slaps Ed

Ed: owwie, you hurt my face.

Al: yeah I probably broke something, but every time it looks you're gonna die you don't, so you'll be just fine, sweetie.

Ed: thanks Al. Don't call me sweetie. I'm bad to the bone and you know it.

Al: Don't I know it…

Younger Ed: I hate milk.

Al: It's good that you know you're bones are bad. Now that you know, you can do something about it.

Ed: Huh?

Al brings out a carton of milk

Al: mmmm, Anderson Dairy!

Ed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ed: hey look it's Winry.

Winry: you guys never tell me anything and all I do is worry about you!

Al: don't start crying, Winry. I may just have to slap you.

Ed: Winry, It's better you don't know. We don't want you in danger. Have you ever seen Spiderman? He can't be with his girl cause she'd get hurt by the bad guys.

Winry: OH! You love me, Ed?

Ed: No!

Al: I think there's more to Ed than we know.

Ed: Al, defend me!

Al: that's all, folks!

* * *

Pishivee: was that so bad?

Ed stalks off

Al: we all know Ed should laugh at himself every now and then.

Pishivee: you're right, Al. thanks for understanding!

Al: so where's my money for getting Ed to do this?

Pishivee: money….money…oh yeah. Uh, here it is.

Al: What! I can't use dollars! We use old British currency in that show! Blast you, Pishivee, get back here!


End file.
